Ever thought, “Why did I sign up for this class or course, I can’t do this?” or “I can’t start that new business or job?”
Ever told yourself, “I can’t do this, whilst standing before a new project?
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” E.E Cummings
They say anything new takes courage. I’m not sure who they are but they are right! The morning of my blog launch party, I woke up with gloom. Not overly joyous or with excitement for a new adventure, but more with a “What the heck am I doing?”
I set my alarm for early morning but of course, God woke me up earlier. As I lay in bed tossing and turning, not ready to wake up, not ready to face the day, I moaned to God; “I’m tired and I don’t really want to do this. God, I need to help me do this.” This, meaning everything, right! lol He turned and said to me, “Remember when you were 6 years old? I’m thinking, Really God, it’s not the time to go do memory lane! I have a book/blog launch tonight and I don’t have a clue what I am doing! I need something more miraculous and supernatural than 6-year-old me! He continued to remind of the little girl who watched "Blue Peter Show" - a British show that educates kids on world issues - and I remembered being moved by the episode of orphans in China & Romania. He reminded me how I cried and felt so moved for these little babies that rocked back and forth, as they craved for someone to rock them. The show encouraged children to take a stand and do something...host a bake sale or participate in a sponsored run/bike ride, etc. As a 6-year-old girl, I felt so moved by compassion, I couldn’t sleep, I envisioning those children alone rocking themselves.
The next day little old me took it upon myself to start baking fairy cakes. My mum, with all her OCD, was mortified with the mess in her kitchen but I wasn’t going to let her stop me! I argued it was for the children. I had this tenacious spirit, no one was getting in my way! I didn’t stop there. I went 'round to my neighbour and friend's house to literally tell her that she must help with these cakes as it was for the children. She was 3 years older than me yet, I remember expecting her to comply! No wasn’t even a thought to consider for me. Some would say what a mini bossy boots I was. I would argue, I had a heart for justice and I was going to help others have the same heart too.
The following day I charged into school with my Tupperware box of neon pink fairy cakes, (God help me if I lost that box). I was scared but I didn’t seem to let it stop me. I told the teacher that I must sell them and the reason. I remember preparing a counter argument in case she said no. The conclusion was that I sold all the cakes and ended up in the local newspaper. Not bad, hey, for mini bossy boots me!
You might be thinking this is a great story but what’s the point?
The truth is that brave girl was also the 6-year-old girl who was being sexually abused and was scared to sleep at night because of the nightmares. I was the girl who sat in the hallway all night to avoid going to sleep. No one knew my distant uncle was abusing me. I didn’t know what was happening. How could I? The irony was that I wanted to save other children when I needed saving myself. I felt God remind me of who He created me to be. That I was still that strong 6-year-old that wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was a voice for justice, a leader, a pioneer in my school and community, I was willing to do what it took to stand up for others no matter what. I just knew I had to do something and I wasn’t going to let other people’s opinions or thoughts stop me. I was able to conquer my feelings and do something great to help others less fortunate than me.
I know you are thinking it is sad the abuse even happened to me. Yes, it wasn’t easy to go through that and the self-harming depressive lifestyle and suicidal thoughts that came with it. It’s been a long road; however, today I can say I’m really healed by my moments with Jesus! I did the years of non-Christian counselling which explained the problems but it didn’t stop the pain or remove the flashbacks. Jesus was able to cover that trauma with his peace and love. I’m not defined by that abusive time. I’m not my abuse. I’m not broken or damaged. I am a daughter of the Most High God! I came from God and I belong to God. I am important, I am valuable, I am beautiful, and I am uniquely made like a masterpiece!
God reminded me this morning, I am that 6-year-old girl. I am the girl that is able to do things in Christ. Like that little girl, I was created to fight for justice, speak up and do things even when I didn’t feel great myself. I am still that conqueror! I’m still that bold and courageous girl, that won’t back down and won’t let someone squash my dreams.
I won’t fear people’s opinions, or be consumed by my feelings. I was created that way, unique and perfect to do this. So here I go with this blog and book launch! I’m going to write my story, I’m going to write it scared and I believe it’s going to help inspire others to do the same!
I don’t have to be perfect, I can't be perfect. I don’t have to have it all figured out or be an award-winning author. I just need to back myself one day at a time, trusting God’s got me.
Do you remember the little 6-year-old you?
Were you brave and courageous? Tenacious? Unstoppable? Did you love to sing, paint, dance, but now you think its silly?
Yet, those are the same things that brought you joy and formed your identity. Its hard to believe but, you are still that person today even when you don’t feel it!
Believe in little ol' you!
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.
If you have experienced trauma or pain, or abuse please don’t feel like you need to do it alone. There are great organisations and people that will get it, people that will love you and support you. Also I am happy to pray, talk or help in anyway I can. Please feel free to contact me.
Scriptures that help me to heal and remember who I am include:
Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. GOD, your God, is with you every step you take.”
Joshua 1:9 MSG
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
Romans 8:37 NIV
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9 NIV